I'm Going to Miss How Bad This Has Felt

I've been doing well lately. Especially if you were to sit back and observe my life. Sure, I have the typical every day problems and irritations that we all face in life. But I'm sure most people who know me would agree that I seem to have turned a corner in the last few months.

Maybe it appears as if the simple passage of time was all I needed.

But let me tell you, it hasn't been as easy as it appears. It wasn't effortless. It has taken quite a bit of perseverance and will on my part. It has been something that I've actually had to work towards and strive for.

I've changed. A lot. And I've struggled with that. I've struggled between remaining the same person I was on the last day Chuck was here with me, the me that he knew so intimately, and at the same time having the desire to better myself, to explore new things, and to open up my mind and my heart to new possibilities. I often wonder if he would've wanted me to stay the same. Most of the time, I believe he would have. Because that's what he loved. He might not agree with some of my new interests or attitudes. If he were just meeting me for the first time right now, he might not find himself interested or attracted to me at all.

But I'm here and he's not. I'm not taking "advantage" of that fact. I'm adapting to reality. I'm attempting to make the best of a truly awful situation.

And I'm proud of the way I'm handling it so far. It HAS been way more difficult than anyone sees. Nobody sees the struggle that goes on in my head and my heart. Nobody has a clue how difficult it was in the beginning to sit in a classroom full of people and worry about losing my composure in front of everyone. Or how I (still) sometimes can be driving down the road and, for no particular reason, burst into tears. Nobody knows that when I first started dating Chris, I would sometimes leave his house and apologize to Chuck all the way home for feeling love in my heart for another man. Or how I would go to the cemetery and wonder if Chuck even still wants me to visit anymore? Nobody realizes that I can be fine for weeks or months at a time, yet I will have several days in a row where all I can do is keep replaying those final minutes in my head over and over again.

It's an internal struggle that I have to be keenly aware of all the time. I have to stay on top of it because it has the ability to completely destroy me and all that I'm working towards.

A couple of months ago, I made a conscious decision to let go of my friend, Grief. That's the main reason I haven't been writing here that often. Grief has been there by my side all along. My constant companion. It's been hard to let it go. It's always hard to say goodbye to a friend...even a bad one. Maybe this song can explain it better than me:

Damn This Feeling
by Hayden

I have been wrestling with the thought of it all
since you left me out in the cold last fall
I wake up lonely and go to bed the same way
people they call me just to make sure I'm O.K.

But I think I'm healing, damn this feeling
I have been reeling, since last season
It's the one thing I had left
from everything i'd kept
I'm going to miss how bad this has felt.

Women adored me for the sad look in my eyes
and now they ignore me for getting on with my life

'Cause I think i'm healing, damn this feeling
I have been reeling since last season
It's the one thing I had left
from everything I'd kept
I'm going to miss how bad this has felt
How bad this has felt
How bad this has felt

Leaves they are falling, just as I let go of you
winter is calling, and I have no memories to lose

I will always grieve. There is no way around that...and I don't think I would feel right if I could choose to get rid of it. But everything in my life doesn't revolve around grief anymore.

The human spirit is quite resilient. Almost a year and a half ago, I was sure my life was over. But I'm getting that fire back. My vitality. My zest for life. I'm opening my eyes again and I can't believe what I see when I allow myself. I look at the world with amazement. At the possibilities. I can see all of the opportunities, all of the wonderful experiences just waiting for me to explore. It truly is like having a brand new life ahead of me.

If I'd had a choice...well, I didn't. So there is no point in going there.

It's a delicate balance...holding on to my love for Chuck and all of my memories of him, yet looking forward to all the future might hold...without him in it. I think I'm finding the perfect middle ground. I'm finally figuring out that balance. I still waver too far one way or the other at times. But those times I am in that perfect place, it feels so peaceful.

So I'm making the most of life these days. I may always struggle with that underlying guilt. But I won't give into it. Because I DID learn so much from this whole experience. I definitely learned the true meaning behind that old saying...

"Life is a journey, not a destination."

I'm going to enjoy every moment of the journey...just in case I never make it to my destination.

But still, sometimes, "I'm going to miss how bad this has felt."