Roller coasters, male bonding......and pennies!

Most that know me have heard the story about the two pennies. Those two shiny 2008 pennies I found at my feet 16 hours after Chuck died brought me moments of great peace and comfort in the beginning weeks. I carried them in my left pocket every day. Whenever things got rough or I started to question my beliefs, I could reach in and feel those two pennies. To me, they were the closest thing I could get to physical "proof" that our spirits continue on after we die. When I lost one of them about a month ago, I was almost devastated. That's when I decided I didn't need to carry the remaining one around anymore and put it up for safekeeping.

I feel like I've made so many changes in the last month...since I decided to stop clinging so tightly to the many rituals I felt the need to observe the first 8 months. Things are looking up quite a bit more. While I know I will still have my moments when grief knocks me to the ground, I'm learning how to get up a little bit quicker and stand taller.

I'm opening my mind up to new possibilities and I'm opening my heart up to new friends. I have one friend in particular (who happens to be a Man....go ahead, gasp if you would like) who has been very good for me the last couple of weeks. I talk, he listens. He talks, I listen....and I learn. He is not the reason I decided to remove my rings. He is not the reason I decided it's time to start letting go. But he was very influential in me deciding to do those things...in helping me realize that it's time to trudge forward. He is full of advice and I just find myself amazed at how relevant his words are. And I feel extremely lucky that, if I have to be in this situation, I have gained a very strong friendship through it all.

Yesterday, this particular friend went to Cedar Point with me and the boys. Adam and Brandon have seen him hanging around here a bit but this was the first time they actually got the chance to "meet" him. It didn't take long at all for them to become friendly. Many times I found myself walking behind the three of them while they just walked and talked amongst themselves. It made me feel good to see the boys just hanging out with an older male. That's obviously one thing that's been sorely lacking in their lives since Chuck died.

We had a great day at Cedar Point. We hit as many roller coasters as we could. And a few of the smaller rides. We ate. We walked...a lot. We talked. We laughed.

When I have spent any time with a friend of the opposite sex, I can't help but feel a little twinge of guilt in the back of my mind. Chuck had a jealous streak. I didn't have any close male friends. It's just the way it went between us. So now I start wondering, "What would Chuck think about this?" or "Is he disappointed and upset with me right now?" Pretty normal thinking, for me anyways. I guess. But it always takes away from the enjoyment of the moment. It's always in the back of my mind that I'm doing something "wrong"...even though I know in my heart that I'm not.

At one point in the day, my friend told the boys that he would pay for them to go on a different kind of ride. It's basically one of those things where you are strapped in a harness and attached to a long cord. You are hoisted up God knows how many feet, one rider pulls the cord, and then you are free-falling....and flying! Swinging back and forth. It's pretty fun to watch. Anyways, it's no more expensive for a trio to go than it is for a duo. He asked if I would like to go on it with them and I told him that I would sit this one out. I told him to go.

So I sat down on one of the many benches around to wait and watch. As they were being slowly hoisted into the air, I smiled. I laughed at the expression of apprehension on the boys' faces. But then...there it was. That twinge of guilt. Seeing the boys up there with our friend in the middle. In the place their Dad should be. But I felt happy that they had someone to experience this with. Still.... I just couldn't keep wondering if Chuck would be upset about all of this. After all, I never got that whole "I want you to move on" talk from him. I've been hoping and praying that something will happen that will "prove" to me that it is okay.

At that moment, while they are almost to the top, I glanced down at the ground where I was sitting. Right there, an inch away from my left foot, was a penny! A shiny penny just glaring in the sun. My heart skipped a beat or two. It was tails down. I leaned over to pick it up and I thought in my head, "If this is a 2008 penny......" And do you know what? That's right. There it was. Probably a huge coincidence, this penny I held tightly in the palm of my hand. But, to me, it was much more than that. It was a symbol. It was my sign. It was the doorway through which all of my guilt and doubts left my heart. I quietly slipped that penny into my left pocket until I could get home and put it with my other remaining one. And I walked around the rest of the day with the sense of peace I experienced on that first awful morning alone.

In Wednesday's blog entry about letting go, I wrote these words:

"Whatever the future brings, I hope he will be out there...somehow guiding me, encouraging me and cheering me on."

I think I got my wish!

Thank you, Chuck. I understand.