Good Grief

I mainly only write when I'm feeling bad but today I thought I would give you a glimpse into those times when I'm at the top of the roller coaster.

I've been feeling good the last several days. I've been getting some things accomplished. I've smiled...a lot. I've enjoyed things. I feel relatively "normal". I'm just living life.

Even on these good days, an occasional random thought will cross my mind and I can be in full-fledged crying mode in a split second. And then it will turn off as quickly as it came on. Those episodes used to shock me but I'm getting used to them now. I accept them for what they are and don't let them knock me down for days on end.

I don't feel guilty for laughing or feeling good. Not anymore. I struggled with that one for a long time. I worked through it. I have given myself many pep talks. Now if I start to feel that first twinge of guilt, I just remind myself that I will have plenty of low times so I won't allow guilt to ruin the good days.

In the last couple of weeks, I've discovered my newest issue I need to work through. I'm actually starting to think about taking steps today that will make my future better. Big deal, right? Well, just the fact that I can envision a future for myself is what makes that so amazing. Especially when I've been living as if my life was already over for the last year. A future? I didn't even care about that. It was a struggle just to get through today.

So why do I need to "work through this", you might ask. Well, it's that stupid guilt thing again. I swear grief should be spelled G-U-I-L-T. Call me crazy...but I have these conversations in my head all the time. They go something like this:

It's time to seriously look into getting into school so you can make something of yourself in the future.

How the hell can you even think about having a good future without him?

Because I NEED this...I've been miserable long enough!

Fine...go ahead and go to school. But for God's sake, don't you dare get excited about it!

I know I shouldn't be excited about it but I can't help it.

You know, if he was still here, you wouldn't even be entertaining these crazy ideas.

But he's not here. I have to live for myself now.

But don't you feel terribly guilty for wondering, thinking, even fantasizing about YOUR future as he laid there sick and dying? Knowing that he wouldn't have a future? What kind of terrible person does that?

I've since read that it was a normal component of anticipatory grief. There is nothing for me to feel guilty about. I didn't choose the hand that either one of us were dealt. I can only make the best out of what I've got now. It's okay to get excited. It's okay to be hopeful. I am not doing anything wrong. It's okay to continue living.

Fine. I'll shut up for now. But we're not through discussing this. I'll be right here waiting to finish this conversation the next time you get all worked up about this "future" stuff.

Now...before you get me involuntarily committed, I don't literally hear these voices in my head! But there is a constant internal dialogue going on in there most of the time. When they say that grief is hard work, I think this is what they mean. I am working through many emotions. I am making progress. When I think of the things that used to make me feel guilty in the beginning? I mean, I felt guilty if I enjoyed the taste of a good meal. I felt guilty if I would laugh. And, oh my God, did I feel guilty for getting my hair cut! So, yeah, I'd say I've made progress. At least a little bit.

So I guess even on my good days I am working through grief. By convincing myself that it's okay to have really good days. By making plans for next week, next month, next year. By feeling good about those plans. By hoping. And dreaming. And wishing. With every smile and every laugh, I am working through my grief. I am getting stronger. I'm getting more confident. I'm starting to think I will be okay, after all.

A part of me has been forever changed by all that has happened. But I think I'm going to be okay. No matter what that negative voice in my head has to say about it. I'm alive today. I'm going to get the most out of life that I can. I know what a gift every day is now. I know not to take anyone or anything for granted. Will I slip up from time-to-time? Sure. All I can do is try my best.

I'm slowly pulling that one lingering foot out of the past. Baby steps. And do you know what I think is going to eventually happen? Some day, I'm going to take everything that I've learned, I'm going to gain strength, and I'm going to take off running. Then there will be no stopping me. And I think I might actually like my future life and the future me. A lot. At that point, it will still be okay to turn around and glance at the past...but I don't have to stay stuck in it. I will never forget what it took to get me there. But instead of being devastated by those memories, I will learn to be grateful for them.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I feel another one of those conversations coming on!

It's okay to imagine not being saddened by the memories...to not cry every single day.

How can you even say that? You want to be grateful that your life is going good because of the way circumstances happened? What the hell is wrong with you? HE HAD TO DIE FOR YOU TO LEARN THOSE THINGS! So, you're glad that he died???

NO!!! That's not what I mean! But if it HAD to happen, I'm glad I can take the lessons that I've learned to improve myself and my life!

Sigh......

Believe it or not, this is a good day. A good grief day.

It's all a part of the process.