I don't even have a specific topic I want to write about tonight. Just random thoughts, I guess. Feelings I need to DO something with. And this is what I do when something doesn't feel right. I write about it.
Maybe it's this "one year ago today" shit surfacing. Maybe it's the fact that I'm sick with the latest cold bug flying around. Maybe it's the lack of a normal routine in my life. Or maybe it's all of the above...plus a little more added in.
I haven't taken a single clothing item off of a hanger or out of a dresser yet. I went to the store to buy the plastic storage containers the other day and basically had a full-blown panic attack in the middle of Walmart. He doesn't have a lot of stuff. I think about the things that he never wore...things that I can't picture him wearing, but he kept them just in case he ever needed them. Those things would be easier to get rid of than his favorites. But paying $16 to hold everything that was him? His life? It really freaked me out.
And I'm just going to shove them up in the attic?
Hell, maybe I'm not ready yet. But I feel like I need to do this. BEFORE the one year mark hits.
Speaking of the one year mark...(11/11) HOW do I spend that day? What do I do to commemorate it? Is that even proper? To commemorate That Day? Commemorate means:
to serve as a memorial or reminder of
according to dictionary.com.
Yeah, I guess that's the word I'm looking for.
But the very word itself...commemorate. It almost sounds like the word "celebrate". There is no celebration.
I can only think of how those last 26 hours were spent. I think of the 2 phone calls I had to make...to his mom and my mom. (I knew at that point that they would take it from there...passing the word on...it's all I could handle.) I had no clue that so many people would show up to stand vigil at his side. I don't know why I didn't think they would. He was very loved.
I thought it would be just me there.
I was scared. I was so very scared.
And helpless. So helpless.
I tried to keep my cool. I tried to pretend that this was "old-hat" or "normal". I tried to pretend that it was okay. That I had come to some sort of acceptance with the situation.
Yeah. Right. In 24 days? It hadn't even sunk in yet.
I planned part of his burial while he still breathed. I had to sneak into the next room to talk about this stuff. It broke my heart. But it was dealing with "business" that needed to be dealt with.
How the F@#$ did I deal with it? Let alone to grasp the whole concept.
I never really accepted it. At the time. I just dealt with the things that needed to be dealt with.
Do I accept it now? I hope so. I'm trying, anyways. It does complicate things. My life. It gives me issues. It brings up new issues. And allows the old ones to resurface. It is very, VERY complicated.
In simpler terms, it sucks. It absolutely sucks.
If you would like to get a feel for what I have been dealing with, I recommend reading "Good Grief" by Lolly Winston. You can get it at your local library. If I had read this a year ago? I would think she's crazy. But I find my head nodding in agreement quite often while reading this book. She is not a widow but she really must have done her research. Somebody...or several people...really expressed themselves well to her for her to have written such a poignant, funny and realistic novel on all things related to widowhood.
Maybe you won't "get" the funny parts. I do though.
It will give you a little insight to my psyche. A little window into my mind and into my soul. Maybe you won't appreciate it as much as I do. But it makes me realize that I'm not crazy.
I'm just a widow.
A much-too-young widow trying to find her way out of the depths of hell.
I'm fighting the good fight. Kicking and screaming all the way. I don't expect any more from myself than that.
And I'm doing a damn good job of it.
I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be. I will survive. I will thrive. I will learn. I'm a thinker.
Please just have patience with me. I need patience. I need to do this at my own pace. My world has been turned upside down. I will have good days and bad days. Accept them for what they are. And, PLEASE, whatever you do...don't be afraid to talk about him. Sometimes I NEED to talk about him.
There is no pretending that he never existed.
After all, when I'm gone, I would like for others to remember me.
Every day. In some way.
I would like to know that I made a difference in someone's life. After we're gone, all we have left is our legacy. That is my goal. To live my life, be as happy as possible, and leave a positive legacy.
I'm doing that the best way that I know how.
Just as he did.
He did the best that he could at that time.
You have to respect a man for that. He lived his life the best way he knew how to at the present moment.
I just wish that I didn't have to learn such a valuable lesson from him...from his untimely death. But if anyone were to be the one to teach me that, it would be him. I've learned so much.
I only wish he was here to see the results of this "lesson".
In 10 days, it will have been a year since we met my mother-in-law for lunch...after picking her up from the tire store. We went to lunch at Applebee's. I know. I still have all of the receipts.
It felt like such a struggle to get an answer...what was causing his pain.
I wish I never knew that f@(*ing answer.
But it happened.
Knowing or not knowing the answer wouldn't have changed the outcome.
His back hurt. BAD. Really, really bad. It irritated me. Then it worried me.
I never thought he would DIE from a backache.
UN-F#$%ing-REAL.
Hold your loved ones close. Never assume anything. And whatever you do, don't forget to appreciate what exactly it is that they bring to your life.
Never.
You never know what can happen. Here today. Gone tomorrow.
I am turning into the best me that I can be. I just really wish that it didn't take him dying for that to happen.
Too little, too late? Perhaps.
But his death...and his life...will not be in vain. I will never forget the "lesson" this has taught me.
Dance like there's nobody watching
Love like you'll never get hurt
Sing like there's nobody listening
Live like it's heaven on earth
And speak from the heart to be heard.
We never talked about that. But that IS his legacy to me. My lesson. I'm always learning...always evolving.
That's how I go on. That's how I want to live. That is his final gift to me.
Thank you.
I can still look at the big picture...still work on those goals I have. But I can still live for today. Tomorrow might never come for me. But I have to live as if it will. I will enjoy every positive moment that I can. I will accept the negative for what it is.
But I will live. Dancing as if no one is watching. Loving as if I will never get hurt. Singing like there is no one listening. Living like it's heaven on earth.
And speaking from the heart to be heard.
I need to be heard. I need to be understood.
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