Fooling Myself?

I don't think I'm "fooling" myself into thinking that all is well and okay in "Jodi-Land".

But I have been doing pretty good lately...in the grand scheme of things, anyways. If I look back to 9 months, 6 months, even 3 months ago? Things are so much better in my world today.

But sometimes things still hurt. Not as often. But it still hurts.

Some days. Some nights. Some of them hurt worse than others.

When that happens (when ANYTHING happens) I tend to analyze the shit out of it. I need to know who, what, when, where, how, and why. WHY is tonight different...or worse...than others? I mean, I really have been doing better lately. So how did this sneak up on me?

I know the answer. It's just the nature of the beast. I know that even the most stable, level-headed person in the world would experience these ups and downs. No matter how much I want to fight it. No matter how much I want it to just be over with. No matter how much I don't want to feel it anymore...ever again. (I can't go back to that intense pain of the first weeks and months...I don't think I could survive it now.)

It's the way it happens. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I let it run its course. And then I continue on with life. With MY life. I couldn't control what was happening a year ago. I couldn't change it then. So I definitely can't change it now.

These are the times I guess I just need to roll with it. Accept it. In a strange way, I need to embrace it...in order to heal grief, you DO have to embrace the pain. You almost have to be friends with it. You simply have to deal with it.

Simply? Well, there is nothing simple about it. It is complicated. But it's a simple concept...IF...if you're not the one dealing with it. That's how I'm dealing with it lately. From a rational, intellectual standpoint. That's so much easier. Because the emotional side of it really sucks.

I "know" how to deal with it. I'm a reader. I'm a researcher. Basically, I've done my homework. Along with some extra credit points thrown in for good measure. I know (rationally) that every stupid little thought or feeling I have is quite normal. I know what to expect. I know that it will hit me when I least expect it. I know not to take the good times for granted. I know they won't last forever. I know that, even during my worst days, I will persevere. I will survive. I will even thrive...more than I ever expected.

But it can still knock me to the ground...on my knees...when I least expect it.

It does really suck. And I'm tired. I'm tired of dealing with it. I'm tired of being kicked and knocked down. Especially when I start to feel like I'm making some progress. When I'm finally able to envision a life...a future. For me. For the boys.

I've been very hopeful lately. Do I dare admit that I've even had many, many moments of optimism? I mean, you get the hand you're dealt. What else can you do except play it out?

I don't want to sound as if I feel that my life, my future, my outlook are all shitty...or second-best now. That's not the case at all. As a matter of fact, I'm probably more optimistic about my future (the second half of my life) than I have been in quite awhile now. Sometimes...many times...I even get excited about the possibilities that lie ahead of me. I absolutely have to find the positive in this situation. I have to.

If I can't do that? Well, what's the point then?

This has been lingering and festering in me for a couple of weeks. I knew it would happen. I expected it. I would've been shocked if I didn't experience these feelings at this point in time.

Everyone. And I mean EVERYONE is aware of the time-frame. The date. The "Anniversary". We all know it's looming overhead...like some dark storm cloud. You can see it. You can feel it. You know it's there. You're just waiting for it to bust the F#%* open. You've got your umbrella ready. But you're not quite sure if that umbrella will be enough to protect you through this storm that threatens you.

Okay.

Nothing has happened to make me feel this way tonight. Not a single event anyways. But it IS that time of year. The holidays are coming. Chris' Mom is really sick...with Hospice involved.

Things can be really bad right now. Or I can look at the positive.

There is some positive.

Number One...I'm breathing. I'm alive.

Number Two...The kids are healthy. I'm healthy.

Number Three...I've got an opportunity to make the rest of my life whatever I want it to be. I can do anything. I can be anything. It's a big world out there.

There are many more positives. I don't have it in me to even go there tonight.

2 weeks from today marks "The Day".

And I have to decide...soon...what I want to say for the one year memorial posting in the newspaper. That should be an easy task.

So why can't I figure it out? Why is it so difficult?

I hope I haven't been fooling myself all along...but sometimes I wonder...