Happy Birthday to Me

Damn.

I didn't know my birthday would bring so many mixed emotions.

I'm going to Chicago tomorrow. I've never been there before. I really haven't been much of anywhere...at least not in the last 20 years.

I'm so excited about it. I just know I'm going to have a great time.

For the last few days, I've been feeling anxious. I know it all has to do with that "this-time-last-year" syndrome. I knew I wanted/needed to visit the cemetery on my birthday.

But I will be in Chicago on my birthday.

So I went today. In the rain. And the gloom.

I sat in the car most of the time. I talked to him. I cried. I told him how I remembered last year's birthday. I remembered how he promised me that "next year's birthday will be better...I promise".

He was right.

It will be better.

Just not in the way I assumed when the conversation took place.

I apologized to him that this year's birthday will be better. I recognized the fact that I will be 38 years old tomorrow. An age that he will never know me as. I told him that I could feel his Happy Birthday wishes to me.

I wouldn't be going to Chicago tomorrow if he hadn't died. But he did. He died. And I'm going to Chicago tomorrow morning. With another man. A man I am beginning to love very much.

And it confuses me.

But I visited the cemetery and I got it out of my system...

For now.

Now I feel a little bit of release. And freedom. Freedom to have a good time and enjoy every single moment of this weekend.

I'm allowed.

It's okay.

I'm still alive.

And I intend to make the most out of every moment of this life...this new life.

I'm sorry he's not here. I'm sorry for him...for me...for the kids...for his family...for my family. But there isn't a damn thing I can do to change that fact.

Instead of feeling sorry, guilty, or plain old sad...I'm going to appreciate the fact that I have this opportunity. That I can go and put my grief aside for the next 48 hours. That I'm not spending this birthday all alone and depressed.

It's definitely bittersweet.

It's just another one of those "firsts".

Thank God those firsts are almost over with.