Conflicts and Birthdays and Random Thoughts

I know it's been awhile. It's not that I haven't felt anything or thought anything in these past few weeks. It's just that either I can't, or don't have the energy needed, to put those thoughts and feelings into words. And even if I did, the things I would write would probably worry a few people that I've finally done it...I've finally gone off the deep end.

I've always been the level-headed type of person. I analyze everything. I can think of a rational explanation for ANYTHING. But this? I haven't quite been able to figure it out yet.

Believe me, I question it myself sometimes. My sanity, that is.

I'm sad. I miss him. I'm in disbelief...still. But when the reality of it does sink in for a few minutes, I get incredibly sad. Then I have moments, or even days, where I feel incredibly happy and hopeful for the future. During those moments, I can't help but think (and feel terribly guilty at the same time) about how I would have never had these opportunities if, well, you know....

And then I feel everything in between those two extremes.

Nobody in my life has a clue as to how unstable my moods feel. How I feel like I'm either on the summit of an insurmountable hill or I'm in the darkest valley that ever existed.

Is this what the rest of my life will be like? Will I always have these extremes? Sure, the lows have come with a little less frequency and they don't last as long as they used to. But I would rather that things stabilized a bit more...become more "balanced" ;) ...

I wish the intensity would soften. I wish the change in between the two could become more gradual. I can handle the time-frame....the amount of time that each mood sticks around. I can adjust to that. After all, I can remind myself (and truly believe) that better days will come again. What I can't handle is the fact that I only have mere minutes of warning that my mood is changing. I can tell when it's going to spike and I can also tell when it's going to rapidly drop.

I'm tired of feeling so excited about something (like starting college) one minute, and then the next minute thinking, "What's the F'ing point?" I hate feeling so conflicted. How can I allow myself to get so excited about something that wouldn't have happened if the worst hadn't happened? But it did...so I do.

And then I feel guilty.

I also feel guilty that this...my life...all of these writings...all of my thoughts...have become about Me and My Life now...instead of his life and how much I miss him. I feel guilty because that feels so damn selfish.

And I haven't found a damn thing I can do to change it or prevent it. Or to soften the blow. All I can do is keep plugging along...forging forward. I can only enjoy the ups and fake-it-till-I-make-it through the lows. And I always do...I always make it through to the other side.

Maybe after these few months are over, it will get easier. That's what I've been hoping for since day one. But this time of year sucks...and it will always suck.

D-day anniversaries. Diagnosis day. Death day.

Thanksgiving.

Christmas.

His Birthday. (Happy Birthday tomorrow, Baby!)

New Years.

Valentine's Day?

Just winter, in general.

All I have to do is get past all of those days and I will get a break.

Until our anniversary.

Until Father's Day.

Until the lake.

Until Monday.

Until the 3rd Wednesday of the month.

Until the 5th of Never.

You get my point....

I'm just trying to make myself feel better here.

Tomorrow will be a brand new day. Oh yeah, but tomorrow is his birthday...

Happy 54th, Chuck. Too young.

But it's still a brand new day. A day that can be anything any one of us chooses to make of it.

But it's your birthday.

It's your birthday. Yet you won't ever get any older.

You were 52.

That's way too young to die. Way too young.

And I'm only 38. Too young to be dealing with this.

But I am. And I will.

For the rest of my life.