And one more thing....

(I knew it. I just knew my last entry was waaayyy too short compared to my usual style!)

This back-to-school time of year always brings something out in me. I don't know what it is. Summer is winding down. The nights start getting cooler. The leaves change colors. Fall. It really is one of my favorite times of the year.

This fall is a little different though. I'm entering into that time when I keep thinking "About this time last year....."

Yeah.

Ouch.

About this time last year we were getting ready for a fun day at Cedar Point. The school shopping was finished. Just one little trip to round out the summer. (And to, unknowingly at that time, create our final fun memory as a family.)

This time last year we were oblivious to the fact that we had already boarded a runaway train. One that we had no control over. About this time last year, life wasn't perfect. (Or was it?) Looking back now, it seems pretty damn close to perfect. I guess it's all a matter of perspective.

September will be here before I know it. Damn. There are going to be a lot of "About this time last years". The pain. The frustration. The doctors. The hospitals.

And then October. More doctors. Even more pain. My last birthday...and the promise that "next year's birthday will be better". And then that final hospital visit. The dreaded diagnosis. Hospice. Sickness. Pain. Tears. Beautiful, crisp fall weather. And pain, pain, pain. The never-ending pain. Physical. Emotional. Heartache.

And, hey, while I'm on the subject...what about November?

F%*# November.

Reminds me of that song. "Wake me up when September ends." Screw that. Wake me up on New Years Day.

But that's not me. I won't sleep through it all. What good would that do? I will forge through it. I will make the best of the life I have today. Because I do have a lot to be grateful for. A lot. Maybe even more than I deserve.

I will see this year of firsts through to the end. I know the grief won't magically disappear come mid-November. But maybe, just maybe, I will start to feel like the survivor...the strong person...that everyone keeps telling me I am. Maybe then a few stupid squares on the calendar won't hold so much power over me.

Maybe the second year will actually be worse than the first. I don't think so though. At least I hope not. From where I'm sitting now, I have so many things to look forward to.

And, for that, I am extremely grateful. And I feel very lucky. :)

Now, if I could just pull my one foot out of the past and plant it firmly on today's ground......