Do I dare say it?

Or will I jinx myself?

Or will it bring me tremendous guilt at a future time?

Ahhh...who cares about the future. Or what anybody else thinks...for that matter. I've learned (in the worst way), to live for today. There is no guarantee for tomorrow. Never.

It's all about today.

So, yeah, I will say it. I AM HAPPY RIGHT NOW!

Wow...what a concept...this happiness thing.

I feel like an excited teenager in love. What??? Yeah, I do. Judge me if you want to. That's okay. I'm living for me and my boys. That's all I care about it. I'm not looking to please anybody. I'm not being reckless. I think...about everything. I consider every circumstance and consequence. I don't just put my heart out there to be played with. I'm too smart for that. I'm not saying I know everything.

But I know enough.

Just when I thought my life was "over". Just when I thought there would be no more happiness. Just when I was ready to lay down and die........

Yeah.

I'm starting to love someone else.

It doesn't mean I can't still love my past and my life up until this point. It doesn't mean that I have to give up my past. It doesn't mean any of that. It doesn't mean that I was looking for any of this.

Seriously...this was the last thing I was "looking" for. It just happened.

It just is what it is.

It's happening. It's real. It's awesome.

And I'm happy...right now. That's all I can ask for.

It doesn't mean I will forget.

It doesn't mean I will never cry for what I've lost. It doesn't mean that I wasn't satisfied and happy with the direction my life was supposed to take.

It just means that I'm persevering.

That I'm living.

That I have hope.

That I believe in love. That I still have hope.

I'm not one to take these things lightly. I've considered whether or not it could be a "rebound" or "replacement" type of thing. That has scared me more than anything.

But it's not.

It's what I want. It's what I need. There is no denying that it's taken some adjustments. In my thinking. In my living. In my heart.

But it is what it is.

And I'm happy.

I've worked through it in my mind and my heart for awhile now. But I just feel it. I know it. It's there.

And I'm happy. (How many times can I say that??)

I'm truly happy.

I'll never forget.

But just when I thought that love was never in the cards for me ever again? All I can say about that is to never assume anything.

If it doesn't work out, please be there for me when my heart is broken. If it does work out? Please be happy for me. Please, most of all, don't judge me. Until you've walked in my shoes? You just have no clue. No matter how good of a writer someone is? I can try my best to get you to feel what I feel. It's still not the same. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW!

I may make you feel the emotions with the words I write. But you still will (God forbid) never know. I don't want you to know.

I've been to the depths of hell.

I'm coming back. I'm stronger than ever before. I believe more than ever in living for today. Life's thrown some pretty shitty curves at me. It's not gonna bring me down anymore. I'm here.

I'm alive.

I will be me. I will live. Nothing can ever bring me to my knees again.

NOTHING.

I'm living my life while I've got the chance. That's all I can do. And it's a damn good feeling.

I will always carry with me the lessons I've learned, the love I've had, the life I've led. Those things can only make me a better me. I will always cherish and honor my past. But I can't stay stuck in the "what-ifs" and the "should've-beens".

As well-intentioned as our plans might have been?

That's Life Lesson Number One.

Doesn't always work out as planned. You make plans. You do the best you can to bring those plans to fruition. You work towards goals.

For what?

To have it ripped out from under you?

So, no. For today. That's what it's about. I'm living for today. I'm enjoying myself. I'm giving myself permission to feel bad when I need to. I'm not trying to block anything or forget anything. But I'm living today. I choose to live.

That's pretty awesome compared to where I've been. It's damn awesome.

I'm living again.

I'm excited.

I'm giddy.

I'm like a teenager in love.

And I won't apologize for it.

I deserve it.

I'll never forget. I'll always cherish what has been. I'll always love what I've had. I'll always miss what could have been. I'll always and forever wish the future could have worked out the way we planned.

But I can still be happy. And it feels good. Really, really good.

It didn't end the way it was supposed to. We had no control over that. But we gave it a hell of a shot.

I'm just not ready or capable of laying down to die. Not just yet. I'm here. I'm alive. I want to laugh. I want to live.

Damn....what a difference from a few months ago. ;)