Milestones

There are so many "firsts" in our lives. They start the moment we are born. Our first cry. Our first bath. First words. First steps.

Our first day of school. First crushes and first kisses. First job. And who can forget their first time behind the wheel of a car?

I've always been afraid of forgetting any of these firsts with my own sons. I took countless pictures when they were small. I was constantly scrambling to write down dates on scraps of paper to later transfer to their baby books. There was a period of time where they probably didn't recognize me if I didn't have a camcorder stuck to the front of my face!

I don't feel the compulsion to document the exact dates anymore. While it's nice to see a log of all of these dates, to jog my memory of what is now known to me as the absolute happiest time of my life, I'm starting to see that I would rather revel in the emotions that these memories bring to the surface than to know the specific day it happened. I'm starting to realize in a big way that it is all about the feelings...the joy and the happiness.

And, my God, there are so many of those moments locked so deep within my heart. Good moments. Really good moments.

And then 9 months ago happened. There will still be many more "firsts" to experience. Several have happened already. Some of them have been good. Unfortunately, there are many sad ones too.

Today was an exciting one. Brandon is attending his very first day of high school! Yep...he's growing up. I am excited for him. But I still had that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach all morning. You might know the feeling. That one where something just doesn't feel quite right but you can't put your finger on what it is. Only....I do know what it is.

The absence.

Not just the physical absence of his Dad. But all that goes along with who he was. The absence of his teasing. The absence of some profound comment or perfectly-timed joke that would make us all smile. Oh and I could just hear him talking about how we only have 4 more years of this "raising-kids-stuff" and then it would be our time. (And our money...to actually spend on ourselves!)

So my emotions were all over the place this morning. Excited. Happy. Anxious. Sad. Proud.

As I dropped Brandon off at school, I tried to think of something that Chuck would have said. Something light-hearted enough to make him smile. But also something poignant that would make him feel like his Dad is still here with him through one of his major milestones. I drew a blank. My mind just doesn't work like his did.

So I said nothing.

I felt the urge to somehow share this day with Chuck. What else could I do except make a trip to the cemetery? Can I just say one thing? It is just really wrong that I have to touch the letters of his name on a piece of bronze to "share" these days with him. Really, really wrong.

The only fear he shared with me during his illness was that he worried he would miss us. Seeing the morning dew on the roses I placed there the other day reminded me of that fact. It sorta reminded me of tears. Tears from heaven.

We know how much you want to be here with us. We miss you, too.