Operation Disconnect

What is it today? I just posted a week ago about how the stretches of "good" days seem to last longer as time goes on. And then today happened. I mean, I just got over a bad period and assumed that I would have a really good week (at least a week)...especially since Lindsey is in town.

Today was nothing major. Just that stupid feeling when I woke up. And it's totally thrown me off course. I don't understand why. It's not the first time it's happened and I'm pretty positive it won't be the last.

I don't really have the desire to talk about any of this right now but I've been forcing myself to connect with people today in any way possible...a phone call, texting, e-mail, Facebook, MySpace. Maybe I'm trying to remind myself that I'm still very much a part of this world...and this life.

I've felt so many things in the last year. I'm getting used to all of the emotions. But today is just different. I feel like I'm an observer of my life today. I think I understand what they mean when they say I'm like an outsider looking in.

I see the circumstances. I see the emotions. I see the pain and the heartache and the loneliness and also the happiness and the love and the hope. But I can't seem to connect with any one thing today. It's a really odd sensation. Is my heart taking a day off? I mean, I'm not feeling cold and uncaring today. I'm just seeing everything for what it is.

I feel numb.

I feel like I'm just sitting on the side lines with my mouth hanging open. I feel like I'm saying, "I can't believe what I'm seeing here." And "I can't believe what is happening right in front of me." I feel like I am watching this happen to someone else. Or like I'm watching some reality show on tv.

I feel like I'm in a dense fog.

I'm going to go to bed soon. And hope that I wake up tomorrow with a clearer perspective on everything. Whether that means feeling good or feeling bad. I just want to feel like I'm actually living inside my own body and inside my own head. I want to feel like I'm not losing my mind. As crazy as this might sound, I just want to FEEL!

Maybe it would be better if I were feeling frantic. Maybe I'd feel better if I were drowning in an insane amount of sadness and despair.

I just really don't want another day of feeling this disconnected. It's throwing me off and I don't like it. Even though I don't particularly like this new normal, at least I know what to expect. This "disconnect", or whatever you want to call it, is a brand new feeling and one I wasn't prepared for. I don't recall reading about this in any of my grief books.

Maybe it really is just me going back to that shock/numbness phase. You know the one. That phase where I could sit here and say how "relaxed" I am and how calm I feel...before his body was even removed from the house. (Can anybody imagine the guilt I feel about that now? For Christ's sake...I think I even had a slight smile on my face because it was finally over.) Or that numb feeling that enabled me to read a 4 page eulogy? And while I'm being honest...I sure felt the sadness that I spoke of that day...but the tears? There were very few of them and I felt like I had to try to force more. After all, if I didn't break down and fall on the floor sobbing, I surely must not have loved him very much...right? Why did everyone else cry more than I did? How did I remain so "strong" throughout the planning of the funeral?

It was this very type of disconnect that I'm feeling now. It wasn't intentional. It had to be nature's way (or God's way....however you want to see it) of insulating me from the hardcore pain.

I never understood. My stepson's cousin died a couple of years ago and I couldn't believe his young, pregnant widow wasn't inconsolable in her grief. I just didn't understand. And now I'm very sorry for ever thinking that way. But this isn't like the movies, People. It's far from it. Now I understand.

Just put me back in the middle of ground zero. Let me feel what I need to feel so I can get through it and eventually move on with life.

I hope I'm not doing this to myself. If I am, I don't realize it. Is my brain protecting my heart because it's too painful? Or am I just tired of the grief, loneliness, heartache, loss, and pain? I'm smart. I've researched everything there is to know about all of this. Otherwise, I may have tried a little harder to escape from it all. But I know that I have to go through it eventually...there are no shortcuts.

I'm not trying to escape. Although, if there were a way, I'm sure I would take that path. I'd like to think that I'm on strike for the day. Or for 3 days...or a week. Whatever it takes. Or even just on vacation.

Something.

I would like to feel really good. Or really bad. Or somewhere in between.

I don't want to feel disconnected...ever again. It just doesn't feel right.