Aren't naps supposed to feel good?

I have so much to do.

I'm not talking about things I've got to necessarily get done today...but things that need to be done soon. I hate putting things off until the last minute. I've struggled with procrastination my whole life. But I started getting better.

Honestly, none of it seems important to me right this minute.

I have to get things done around the house, the yard. I have a stack of paperwork to go through. I have to sit down and figure out bills for the next month. School is starting for the kids in a month so I have everything that goes along with that. The thought of getting myself back to school is being pushed back at least another semester. I have another house I need to prepare for rental since it's unlikely it will sell this summer.

And those are just the big things.

I need to start by pushing myself into taking my shower yet today. I need to think about getting to the store so there is something to eat for dinner.

Yet all I want to do is sit. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to read. I don't want to watch tv. Or work on a puzzle. Or waste time on the computer. Or talk to anybody.

I just want to sit.

I want to close the curtains again.

I had a dream while I napped this morning. I don't even really remember it now. I do know that it wasn't anything devastating. It was just a normal dream. And I would wake up to my normal life.

That's what got me. I'm doing so much better about not turning immediately to sad thoughts upon waking like I did for the first 8 months. I never forget but I'm not dwelling on it for the first hour of my day anymore...

Until today.

I woke up from that nap and those feelings came right back. He isn't here. I haven't been sleeping this whole time just to wake up from a terrible, terrible nightmare. It hit me like it was Day One all over again. And it hit me hard.

I haven't cried today. I'm not hysterical. I'm not moping. I just feel like I'm in shock and in a daze again.

This is all so unpredictable. That's what I hate the most. If it started out terrible and slowly got better with each day in a predictable time line, I could handle it so much better. I hate not knowing what each moment has in store for me.

I hate not knowing how I will feel when I wake up.

And to think that this day started off pretty good. I shouldn't have taken that nap.

I am going to start my day over again right now. I think I'll start with a shower and a trip to the store.

No matter what, I'm keeping the curtains open.