Smile Because It Happened

All day long my thoughts have gone something like this.

"13 years ago today, at this exact time..."

...we were decorating the hall.
...I was at the salon getting my hair done.
...we were at the church getting ready.
...I was walking down the aisle.
...we were dancing to our song.
...we were cutting the cake.
...we were listening to the ill-prepared toast by the best man.

By this time now, we were legally husband and wife. At that point in our lives our hearts and our souls were already bound together. It had been that way long before our wedding day.

We were already a couple for almost 7 years (nobody could accuse us of rushing in to marriage), we had a mortgage and two kids together. We used to joke about how we did it all backwards. We had even been officially engaged for almost 4 years. Actually, as unromantic as it is, the thing that finally pushed us to set a date and get things rolling was an issue with health insurance! I have no doubt we would have still taken the plunge eventually. Life was just so busy (and so damn expensive) to take time out to plan a wedding. I was glad to have a reason to finally do it.

I remember thinking that a marriage certificate wouldn't change a thing. I mean, we'd already been leading the life of a typical married couple for so long, what difference would there be besides a change in my last name? Boy -- how pleasantly wrong I was! Maybe it's not that way for some people but the ceremony, the vows, that "piece of paper" did make a difference. I've always been big on symbolism though. It took our relationship and our love for each other to a level I never knew existed. I remember looking around the reception hall while talking to my brother-in-law Jerry. "Where is my husband?", I asked him. That one question put a huge smile on my face. That's when it hit me! My Husband! How wonderful it was to be able to call him my husband!

So much of my day has been spent going back and forth between the past and the present...and all of the years in between. When I first woke up this morning, our anniversary was the first thing on my mind. I couldn't help but wonder how this day might have been different if things were still "normal". Walking in to the house after work, I wondered if there would have been a bouquet of flowers waiting for me? Or perhaps a few single red roses? Or maybe just a card he picked up at the last minute on his way home from work. I know for sure I would have smelled breakfast cooking. He would have went all out and made his delicious homemade potatoes because of the special occasion. He probably would have even washed the breakfast dishes for me. Uh, with the reminder that NOW I "owed" him...and he will take his "payment" later on tonight...thank you very much!! :) (That's my feisty old man!)

Then the day would have most likely went on quite normally. Maybe a few extra kisses in passing. A few additional pats on the butt! Maybe we would have gone out to dinner. And he would have definitely justified spending the extra money on the "good" beer.

A normal day. Except for the fact that I woke up this morning knowing I would visit the cemetery today, arriving with a bouquet of roses and a card. Except for the fact that I would be left to reminisce about the happiest day of our lives all by myself. Yeah, it was a normal day except for the very noticeable absence of my husband.

Maybe it wasn't so normal after all. I pulled in to the cemetery at exactly 3:58 PM. I didn't plan to make that drive at the exact time I was preparing to walk down the aisle of the church 13 years ago. It just worked out that way. As I pulled in with that bouquet of roses, I couldn't help but think of the irony of it. "Here comes your bride, Chuck." That's what I thought. Here comes your bride.

Today I celebrated the day of our marriage...our vows before our friends, our family and God. Celebrate? After such a loss, is "celebrate" the right word to use? Yes, it is. While I am definitely sad and mourning what could have been, there is still cause for celebration. Our life together might be over...but that doesn't mean I have to treat it as if it never happened. Our relationship didn't end with his last breath. It definitely changed...but something that is so ingrained in to my soul will never end. Not until I take my last breath.

So, this is to you Chuck.

Thank you for choosing me to be your wife. For showing me what life and love are all about. Every day I look at the picture of you that was taken immediately after our wedding ceremony. I never realized, until now, how happy you were that day. How our marriage meant as much to you as it did to me.

I'll never forget that day, shortly after we were married, when somehow the subject of 50-year anniversaries came up. You told me that it saddened you that we would never get to celebrate our golden anniversary. I asked you why and you explained that, due to your age when we married, it was unlikely. I had faith that we would make it to 50. (Of course I joked about how you would be too senile to realize it!) Realistically, we wouldn't make it to 50. But we both assumed we most likely make it to 25. 30? Maybe even 40!

We had to fit it all in to 12 and a half years. Even knowing what I know now, I wouldn't change a thing. The heartache I have to live with for the rest of my life is worth it. I would do it all over again.

Well, Babe. I survived the day. The hardest one of all in the last 7 months and 4 days. You are still making me strong.

And, I even bought the "good" beer! So, here is a toast to "Us". The "Us" that has always been, the "Us" that still remains, the "Us" that carries on in our children, and the "Us" that will live in my heart forever.

Like the saying goes, "Don't cry because it's over...smile because it happened." That is how I'm living today. I'm smiling because it happened. Because you happened. Because we happened.

Here's to you, Babe.

Thank you.

I miss you.

I love you.

And Happy Anniversary.