This is a Another First

It really kind of shocked me.

For the first time ever (since he's been gone), today I actually wished, or at least thought I wished, it could have been the other way around.

If you have a spouse or a significant other in your life right now that you truly love, try to imagine what it would be like if they died tomorrow. I know it's not the most pleasant thing to think about. But don't we think about those things from time to time? I always thought I wanted to be the one to go first. I didn't ever want to experience that kind of pain and heartache.

A few weeks after Chuck died, (if I keep saying those words..."Chuck died"...maybe I will come to realize and accept that it's really true), I started to think in a different way. I realized how painful it would have been for him. I started to think about how in the world he would have handled it.

I just couldn't wish that amount of pain on anybody, let alone the one who owns my heart.

As much as I felt sad that he would miss out on so many things he looked forward to, at least he didn't have to try to find his way in this world all alone...again. I have no doubt that he would have found a way to deal with it. After all, he was one of the strongest people I've ever known. But I also know that he loved me so much that he would have been lost without me.

Just as I am lost without him. He would have handled it just as I am. He would have done the necessary things in life. No more and no less. As far as how either of us would have handled it farther down the road? I can't answer that. I can only take each day as it comes.

I would hope that he would have a renewed interest in life. I would hope that he would discover things that he enjoyed on his own. I would even hope that he would do things that he wouldn't have otherwise done if I were still here. I would definitely hope that he would live his life to the fullest and get as much enjoyment as possible out of every day. I would hope that he would have the attitude that life is too short, you never know what tomorrow will bring, so you might as well enjoy yourself while you can. (In many ways, he already lived his life that way...which brings me great joy.)

So I loved him so much that I would give anything to never cause him this amount of pain. I've thought that 100% wholeheartedly since that awful day.

Until today.

Today I would have traded him places. In a heartbeat. Maybe not permanently. But can't we just switch places every now and then? Can't we share the burden? The heartache? The pain and tears? After all, he did tell the minister in our premarital counseling that he would die for me. Would he trade places with me if he could?

Of course he would. He wouldn't want me to cry. To hurt. To ache and long for him with every ounce of my body and my soul. He would carry that burden. For a hundred more years if he had to.

He didn't have that choice though.

I can only imagine if I were the one lying in that hospital bed on that fateful day. He would have cried and curled up next to me while I remained the stoic one. He would have begged and pleaded with God to please take him instead. He wanted to live. He wanted that more than anything he has ever wanted before. Knowing him as I do, he would have wanted to live more for us than even for himself.

He never wanted to cause pain for anybody that he loved. That's just the kind of person he was.

I honestly don't know what I believe. I know what I want to believe. It gives me hope. But I do know that if he has a choice right now...to sort of hang around and look over me...the kids...to look over all of us until he knows that we will be okay, well he will feel compelled to hang around for an awful long time. Even if he were promised a better and more beautiful world and existence than we could ever imagine, he would choose to stay back until all of his loved ones are either okay or there with him.

If that's the case, I'm holding him back. I want to let him go...but only for his sake. I want to let his soul soar. To be free from all of the worries of this world. I just can't yet. I still need him too much.

Yet he knows I'm strong. He knows I'm capable. He knows I will figure it all out.

As much as I would have done anything in my power to protect him from any kind of pain, he would have done the same for me many times over. That's why he fought it so hard. That's why he struggled. I think he almost got to the point of acceptance. But I held him back.

I'm not going to hold you back any more, Baby. It's okay. Just go. Just fly. Go see and experience all that you've ever wanted. You are free now. I can't ever completely release you. But I can give you the freedom to roam. Just check back in on me every now and then, okay?

I'm trying to learn to let go. Letting go is the best gift I can give to you. No matter how much I let you go, I also know that you are always there...just a heartbeat away.

We will always be a part of each other's souls. So no matter how far away you go, no matter how much time passes, I know we will never be far apart. You are right here with me. You are in my heart. Nothing can ever change that.

And as much as it hurts to be here without you, I don't think I would trade places with you. I wish you could be here to see all that could have been...all that will be. But I wouldn't want you to hurt. You see? The minister didn't ask me that day if I would have been willing to die for you. But if he had, the answer would have been yes. Without any hesitation. Without a doubt.

I would have done anything for you.

That's what true love is. That's what we had. And will have eternally.

The memory of your voice. Your smell. Your touch. Those memories may fade with time. But the feeling of your love will never leave me. It's like a scar on my heart...but a good scar.

I will love you always. And your love for me will keep me going....

Always.