I wonder if the flashbacks ever go away completely.
About a month ago I wrote about those final hours. I wrote about how the memories haunt me every single day. Putting it in writing must have been what I needed in order to tuck those memories into the back corner of my mind. Happier memories have now been rising to the surface which has been a welcome relief from the torture of wondering. Wondering if I did all I could, if I said the right things, if I brought him the comfort he needed.
I don't know what happened as there seemed to be no trigger but, BAM! This morning at work (I seriously must have too much time to think while working...that's when it always happens) I started replaying the whole sequence of events in my mind again. Once that tape starts rolling there is absolutely no stopping it.
After getting to the end I started mentally talking to him again. "Please, Chuck...please know that I didn't want you to go. Telling you that it was okay was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. And the most unselfish thing. It's what you needed to hear. I wanted to scream at you...beg you to stay. Even just a little bit longer. You were already fighting it far longer than you should have. That's why you suffered so much. I couldn't stand to see you suffering another minute. Yet it almost killed me to let you go. I had to. I had to let you go."
He must have known. He had to know that I wanted him to be here as much as he wanted to be here. Why am I so hung up on worrying that he thinks otherwise? If our spirits do live on, surely he can feel what's truly in my heart now, right?
It surprised me how it all suddenly came back as if I were still thinking about it every day. It was as if I've never tried to let it go at all yet. Maybe I just need to keep going over it repeatedly in order to work through it. Maybe it still seems so unreal to me that this is the path I must take towards acceptance. Maybe it is part of the healing process.
Or maybe I'm just subconsciously scared of forgetting it. As painful as it is to remember that day, I still don't want to forget it. I don't want to forget a single moment spent with him.
Followers
About Me
- Jodi
- I am a 37-year-old recent widow (although I still consider myself to be a wife) and a mother. I am not a writer but it is something I have always enjoyed. Sometimes there is a purpose to what I write or an occasion to write about. Mostly it is just my way to record random thoughts and memories that pop into my head. I started a blog shortly after my husband died for several reasons. If it helps those in my life to get a better picture of what's inside my mind and my heart, it is worth it. But most of all, I write for selfish reasons. I write to have a permanent record of this very difficult journey. I write so I never forget, so I can see any progress I make, and as an outlet for my emotions. This is my way of opening up and processing all of the feelings that would otherwise remain locked inside of me. So this is my "story". Sometimes I will write about bittersweet memories of the past. Sometimes I will pour my heart out about the pain and tears, the happiness and laughter, of the present day. Other times I may write about my hopes and fears for the future. Don't we all wonder how the rest of our story will play out? Here's to looking backwards...and living forward.
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