Curtains

It's no secret I've been in a little bit of a slump lately. It's a pattern I've come to accept. If I had my choice, I would be on a more even keel. My life and my moods would be more stable...just like they used to be. But they aren't so I've had to learn how to adapt. I really am learning to adjust to this new way of life. And I'm learning to accept the inevitable bad days for what they are. More importantly, I'm learning to embrace the good days and make the most of them.

A couple of days ago, I decided to start feeling alive again. I resumed working on the bathroom remodeling. I started cleaning up the house a little bit. I could tell my mood was on the upswing.

This morning I woke up sore and stiff. I haven't really overexerted myself physically, but I guess I've done enough to make myself feel this way. (Getting older sucks.) But I still pushed on. This latest "down time" seemed to drag on forever and I refused to let a few aches and pains waste another day because I've wasted enough time lately.

So, I've gotten some things accomplished. I'm satisfied with my progress on the bathroom...give me another two full days devoted to it and it will be finished. I've cleaned up the house so it is presentable and, more importantly, comfortable to me. And, probably the most telling of all, I opened up the windows and the curtains all the way today.

It's funny how much you can tell about my mood by how far the curtains are open. They've been in a position of almost fully closed to half open for a couple of weeks now. But today I wanted them wide open. I wanted to let the sunshine in and to feel the breeze blowing. Even though we are well into summer, it almost felt like the first spring-like day after a long, cold winter. My moods are quite like the seasons. I can feel the change coming on gradually and they tend to overlap quite a bit.

But today? It was springtime for my heart. Not the rainy days of early spring. But the perfect weather, flowers blooming, birds singing time of spring. The time of rebirth and renewal and rejuvenation.

It felt good.

I'm halfway to exhausted tonight...but a good type of exhaustion. I'm not emotionally drained. I'm looking forward to laying my head on my pillow with a feeling of accomplishment. I'm looking forward to what the new day might bring. I don't know if I'm trying to make up for the time lost during my depressed periods or if I'm trying to get ahead of the game before the next one hits. Whatever the reason, I will make the most out of the good days.

When I'm at my lowest emotional point, I feel like so much of me died that day. But today, I am alive. He wanted me to live. I didn't die that day. Neither did he, really. He is alive within me. At least for today. As long as my heart is beating, he is alive. I will continue working towards our goals. I will continue reaching for the dreams we both shared.

One of his concerns was my well-being after he was gone. I told him I would be okay. So I will always be okay. But today I am better than okay and I just know that he is smiling. He is saying, "That's the Jodi I've always loved. The strong one. The one who can be independent and do anything she sets her mind on."

The other day I read some of the older stuff I've written. The pattern has become very obvious to me. Without a doubt, my mood will once again start to get darker. I will slide back down into the pit of despair. I will, once again, feel like I'm half dead.

I will close the curtains and try to shut the world out.

Until then, I will accomplish. I will laugh. I will excel. I will live.

These stretches of good days seem to last longer as time goes on. For that, I am so grateful. I have faith that the day will come where the low points are almost nonexistent. It's not a matter of forgetting all that has happened. It's just about being satisfied that I had so much in the first place. That I've been lucky enough to have had such an awesome 20 years.

I will come to a point where the memories won't hurt anymore. Where the very thought of him doesn't make me feel like my soul is bleeding. Where I can open up the curtains fully and greet each day with a smile...just because.

Because I've known the feeling of true and everlasting love. I've loved fully and I've been fully loved.

Even the most dreary day can't darken that feeling.

Thank you, Chuck. I love you.