Welcome to my roller coaster

Am I just being lazy? Or are the feelings of grief hitting me physically? Did my long nap this morning (that spilled well into the afternoon) just mess me up for the rest of the day?

I try not to use grief as an excuse for being unmotivated. Maybe it is the real culprit. I just don't know. All I do know is that I've felt unmotivated (lazy) for the last several days. I've always gotten great satisfaction out of having a well-kept home. While it still feels good, it just doesn't seem important anymore. There is nobody here who cares and shares my pride in our home. I also know that if I come home tomorrow and get a lot done around here, I will feel good by the end of the day.

What started out as a lazy afternoon has turned into an evening of a general feeling of not feeling good. That's the only way I can describe it. I plain old "just don't feel good". My legs ache. I feel feverish. My jaws hurt. I have no energy. My body aches.

I know I'm not coming down with something. And I'm definitely not tired. Stress has always manifested itself in a physical way with me. When I was a young girl and visited my Dad, I ended up physically ill many times. Fever and all. I didn't make myself sick. After all, how do you fake a real fever? I didn't even realize at the time that I guess I didn't want to be there. After looking back several years later, it hit me. It was so odd that, every time I got so ill at his house and he would take me home, I was feeling better in no time. It had to be my way of dealing with stress.

Is that what's happening now? There are so many peaks and valleys when dealing with grief. Some compare it to a roller coaster. Am I just in one of those valleys?

I don't feel overly stressed or insanely sad today. Just blah. And I'm okay with feeling blah. I've had days like this plenty of times...even "Before". Everyone needs a down day every now and then, right? My down days used to be after a day of huge accomplishment. I didn't feel guilty about those days because I felt I worked hard to earn them. Now my down days are a string of several days in a row. The laundry piles up. So do the dishes. The dust gets thicker. Bills go unpaid. Weeds continue to grow. (Thanks, Mom...for weeding!) Errands remain undone. It will eventually get done. I just don't know when.

Maybe I shouldn't be so self-conscious about what other people think. But I don't want to be viewed as LAZY. I'm only doing what is absolutely necessary today. The kids and the dogs are fed. I go to work every morning. The electric and phone bills are paid. I take a shower. On days like this, that's all I have in me.

My widow friends reassure me that this is normal. And that it's OKAY. One (more "seasoned") widow on that forum ends every post with the words, "Be gentle with yourself." But other people don't know this is normal.

Grief is hard work. That's what I keep hearing.

It's something I never would have understood a year ago. I still have a hard time grasping that concept today. But it's true. The problem is that people can't physically see the progress that comes with this "grief work".

I need these down days, don't I? I'm still moving forward during these "lazy" periods, aren't I?

I look back to earlier in the month when I made so much progress in the bathroom in such a short time. I was absolutely ecstatic. I need to feel that again. And I will. But right now I can't. If history is any indicator of the future...it will happen soon.

In the meantime, if you stop over to visit, please don't mind the mess. I hate it as much as you do. Probably more. I physically just don't feel good. This will pass and I will have days where I amaze myself. But for now, I need to sit back and let everything pile up. I don't know if it's true, but I keep telling myself it's all a part of the process. I have no idea if I will ever get back to where I once was.

I'm not going to concern myself with that right now. Because I am doing the best that I can. In the past, I could always push past those feelings. I could always accomplish things, if needed, on one of my "lazy" days. I honestly think that's physically impossible now. So, I am just going to keep on being "gentle with myself". And keep on hoping that tomorrow is a better day.

It may not be the most healthy way to deal with grief, but neither is running from it. So I'm going to accept it for what it is and hope it's not a mistake in the long run. After all, how does the saying go? In 20 years, who will remember how clean your house was?

Right now I need peace of mind. I will do (or not do) whatever it takes to get it.

So I'll ride on this never-ending roller coaster. I'll coast along during the lows, the valleys. I'll accept them for what they are. I'll appreciate the peaks, and the exhilarating views that come along with them, when I'm on top. There is nothing like being lower than low to give one a greater appreciation for the highs. So those down days do serve a purpose. They make the good days even better.

Maybe this is the lesson I was destined to learn. I will never again take for granted the good things. Never. But I also won't forget to embrace the bad. Because there is always a lesson to be learned.

I'm changed by this whole experience. But I believe I have been changed for the better, if I allow it. It is my choice...what I learn from all of this. I hope it makes me a better person. A more loving, kind and gentle person. I'm definitely a work in progress.

I just wish he was here to see it...the better me that will inevitably surface. I wish he didn't have to be the one to teach me that lesson.